Hello....where have you been?

I'm 32. Lets say I didn't start noticing my body until 11...that is 21 years of body shame, comparing and wishing. 21 full years of not fully appreciating what a miracle it is to have one. 21 years of missed out potential and missed love.

I've been on a healthy living lifestyle for about 5 years now. Its taken me many many attempts and many many fails to figure out what works for my body. Because lets face it, we aren't all the same...WHAT?! yup its true, so what works for you might not work for me. It took me a long time to realize this small but undoubtedly important concept. I would compare my failures to others successes and wonder what I did wrong or how I failed so badly, when in reality my body simply doesn't work that way.

I finally found an eating program that my body thrives on. Paleo and I love it. I have so much energy! My moods have stabilized and I'm setting a good example for my children by eating whole fresh foods and not starving myself. Yes, paleo is strict, no you cant eat whatever you want. But really what do I really want? whole natural foods that fuel me and keep me going or processed junk that, while might taste fantastic, makes me tired and diseased. Don't get me wrong, I still want those yummy things here and there. I still want to be able to just sit on the couch and eat an entire pizza...but I don't, because I can't afford to let that win. It can't...it won't

I make goals for myself that are small and big. Small goal: finish the next 60 seconds of this work out. Seriously sometimes its a minute by minute kind of day. ;) Big goal: Run the Beast spartan at the end of the year. Small goal: Don't beat myself up when I do slip up. Get up, brush off, move on. (its taken me YEARS to do this and once I started it was sooo liberating) Big goal: Positive self talk. Do you know how hard it is to break a 21 year habit of negative self talk! Its insanely hard! But I strive for it daily.

I work out regularly. I train a lot for the races I sign up for. I sign up for races so that I'll train. :) I also sign up because they make me feel awesome. Plus my husband and father do them as well and its fun to be a team. It takes 4-6 weeks for you to notice a difference in your body it take 8-12 for others to notice. After years of working at it and, again, finding the right combination of work outs I"m starting to notice my muscles more. And I love it. I noticed when I lost weight because you just do but when you start noticing you getting strong its a whole new level of great. I notice in my arms and in my legs. My back and my shoulders. I still have major problem areas, some that will never be fixed due to the damage I've done to myself as well as the usual wear and tear some woman's bodies don't recover from after having babies. I have issues with these parts and sometimes I just can't pull myself up enough to get pass them, but I'm starting to. I'm starting to focus on what I have achieved and not on what will never be fixed with working out.

I am starting to focus on what my body can do and not what its flaws are. I can run for an hour, I can finish Spartan and Warrior Dash races, I can finish insane work outs that most would bulk at. I have amazing will power when I really put my mind to it. I am stronger then I have ever been. My body doesn't look like I always wanted it too...but mostly because I had ideals that would never have been accomplished for my body type. Im realizing how great I truly am becoming. I can do things I never thought I would be able, which only pushes me to the next level. My husband loves my body and I'm starting to see it through his eyes. My kids look to me for body image and eating habits (wither they know it or not yet) and I'm not ashamed of how I treat myself.

I'm not saying I'm perfect. I'm not saying this is how I feel every second of the day. I'm still a human, bombarded with images of "pefect" models and societies 'norm' that I don't and wont' fit into. I still have problems looking pass the flaws I do have and not wanting to give up because they wont' ever be what everyone thinks they should be. I still have that image of a perfect me in my head and get severely depressed when the mirror doesn't match. But I"m working on this. I've come a long long way and I have much to do. But I am getting stronger, physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally and that is what matters. To love myself more and more everyday is my ultimate goal. And more and more I am looking in the mirror and can honestly think 'wow, you are amazing'...to look at myself and say "hello....where have you been?"